Playing Games with my Heart

Yesterday I wrote a chapter in my book titled, "Playing Games with my Heart", and as I wrote that chapter I realized how lost I was or caught up (you choose).  That chapter talks about how my ex-boyfriend played a really cruel joke on me, not caring about my feelings, only his feelings and regardless of how much it hurt me, I was still able to forget about it and fall back into our normal routine.
Have you ever just sat back and thought about how you got played?  Haha, I can laugh at it now, but back then all I could do was cry.  Have you ever been in a situation, knowing you would be better off elsewhere, but you kept holding onto the "what ifs"?  As I wrote that chapter, most of those emotions and thoughts came back to me, but I continued typing, all the while thinking to myself how silly I was to be ok with such a cruel, heartless joke (to him).

Lions, Tigers and Bears

You ever think back to the songs that came out when you were in a bad place in your life? I swear we had a soundtrack to our horrible romance for 3 years and one of those songs was song by Jazmine Sullivan. Yup, Lions, Tigers, and Bears, it was the perfect song for when we decided to try our hand at another relationship. I was so afraid to love him, because of what he had already shown me, but guess what...........I went against my better judgment and fell back into the same black hole. You ever tell yourself that you won't fall for his old tricks again? I told myself that, but he had other tricks up his sleeve and I fell flat on my face.

Karma is a Mug..............

I was just sitting here thinking about my very first, real relationship.  I was living in Tallahassee, FL, at the time and this guy was amazing, but I didn't know how amazing he was until I broke up with him.  See here's the deal, where I'm at in my life right now, he was at that point in his life back then, mind you, this was 10 years ago.  My mindset was that of a young, country-bumpkin, 18 year old girl, who had no clue about how to be in a relationship.  I hadn't been taught how to act in a relationship, so I was just finding my way, but one thing I did know was that I liked having my way and if I couldn't have my way, then all hell was going to break loose. LOL. I'm seriously laughing at myself, but back then, I was no joke and I don't even know how he put up with me.  Anywho, the title of this post is about karma, and karma is a mug!  I was probably one of thee WORST girlfriends ever, but I never really thought that I was doing wrong and if I did think that I was wrong I would just make myself believe that I was right and that everything was ok - not true!  I believe that everything that I did to my ex-fiancee came back to get revenge when I dated the abuser (that's what I'll call him).  I was so mean, heartless, careless, selfish, cheating, lying girlfriend there ever was and all of those things came back and took their toll on me. SMH.
My ex-fiancee was ready for marriage, he was looking into buying us a house, he was planning for our future, but I wanted to party, drink, and do all the other things that I thought college students were supposed to do, so I did.  I've learned a lot from my many, MANY mistakes, but I do regret ever treating him the way I did; no one deserves to be treated that way.

Don't Let My Story Be Your Story

A number of people have called me resilient and a previous supervisor of mine said that I share a story of resilience, but I say that I'm just blessed. I'm just plain ole blessed y'all. I did nothing special to deserve to be here, but God saw fit for me to share my life story (thus far) with you. Alot of the things that I see people going thru, it could've been me or it was me, so I make it known that you're  not alone. I could've been, would've been a single mother, but God knew that I probably couldn't handle it, so here I am. I'm not saying that God placed me in that situation, I chose to be there, but he did allow me a way out. I was and still can be hard-headed and because of that, I've had to learn the hard way.
People who know my upbringing, who think they know my struggle, they don't really know. I've been a great actress! Did you know that my step-father stepped into the room just in time to see a house guest fondling me at 12 years old? Did you know we lived without lights for almost 2 months in the 9th grade? Did you know that as small as Thomasville is, we've lived in 12 different places, within 5 years? But look at me. I made it thru and you can too.

I Was 2 Months Pregnant

The first time I lost a child was when I was just about to graduate from undergrad at FSU.  The father was going to be the ultimate "baby daddy", but I didn't care, I was in love with him and that's all that mattered.  I was actually one of those people who believed that if I had his baby, he would fall madly in love with me and want to make us a family.  I'm not exactly sure where I got that idea from, but I believed in that, and the fact that he took it upon himself to release himself inside of me, wow, I felt special.  I laugh at myself as I'm writing this because I was so naive.  First of all, why would he want to make me apart of his life when he knew that I allowed him to treat me any kind of way he wanted without repercussion?  Second, most men don't make wives out of women who already give them everything they desire up front, without having to work for it.  Last but not least, he had quite a few groupies, why get tied down to me, when he could sleep with 3 freaks at one time?  Yeah, I was dumb, but I didn't know it. LOL.
So we're in this up and down, roller-coaster type relationship.  Having unprotected sex, not happy with each other, just doing things to pass the time....then all of sudden I find out I'm pregnant. I can't remember how I knew to take a pregnancy test, but I did and then the results came back..........I was really pregnant!  I was so happy, but when I told him I received one of the typical "dead beat father to be" lines: So what you gonna do?  I was like what do you mean O_o!!!!!  I'm going to keep this baby.  Now I had no intentions of being a single mother, nothing against single mothers, but that's a job title that I'll pass on.  I told him that I was going to be fine without him, if he chose not to stick around, but I hoped that he change his mind and come around. 
He never really came around, in fact, he pushed himself further and further away from me and I was crushed.  My plan didn't work out and now I was going to be a single mother, so I decided to take matters into my own hands and force him to be with me.  Every chance I got to talk with him I made sure he knew what he was going to be losing.  I was P-I-T-I-F-U-L! You hear me, pitiful!  I guess he realized how pitiful I was and said fuck it, I don't want you and I don't want that baby.
I cried myself to sleep and the very next day I miscarried.

Motivation

I've always needed something to motivate me to keep going.  For almost a month now, I've needed motivation to continue writing my book, and tonight I received a little bit of motivation, so I figured I'd talk about it. There is always that one thing, person, word, something that can trigger emotion out of us, for me, that thing has to do with words.......gossip.  Tonight, gossip has motivated me to continue writing my book.  And you know how they say that the people closest to you are the people who hurt you the most?  Well that has motivated me too.
When I started this journey to write my book, I was thinking of healing, healing for my soul, for my spirit, but somehow, some way, people have taken my words, my work, and made it about them, when they have/had NOTHING to do with the story.  When I was going thru what I was going thru, I made it a point to not tell anyone about it because I knew it wasn't right, but it was my choice and I thought I had control over the situation, so no other help was needed.  But, somehow, some way, I have angered people by my post(s), which had/has nothing to do with them, yet some just need a platform, so HERE YOU GO :) \_ \_ \_ \_
I'm guessing people are angry that I didn't rely on them for help or for their expertise in my particular situation, well, I didn't need the help...............at the time I didn't want anyone's help, I just wanted to do my thing, with zero judgment.  Maybe that's it, maybe because I didn't allow people to know what was going on in my world, so that they could have something to talk about before I could actually talk about it, maybe that's why people are feeling SOME type of way.  Oh well, too bad, I get to tell my story, my viewers saw it here first, GET OVER IT.  Or better yet, write your own damn story and stop worrying about mine.  BTW, book coming soon. #MOTIVATION #THANKYOU #GOODNIGHT

You Can Miss Me With the Fakery

A lot of times I meet people who have no problem acting phony or being fake to my face, but as soon as I can turn my back to them they are ready to attack me, attack my words, attack my resume, attack my motivation.  This is one reason I didn't let a lot of people into my world when I was going thru.  The following quote is very, VERY true: "If they talk WITH you, they will TALK about you."  What did I look like allowing a lot of people into my personal struggles, knowing that some people only wanted to know what was going on so that they could report my business as if they could paid for it?  You can miss me with the fakery, you can miss me with the bullshit, just miss me with all of that.  I learned a long time ago that everybody skinning and grinning in your face wasn't my friend.  My mama taught me to watch people and so when I was going thru one of the rough patches in my life, I figured I could handle it alone because not everyone had my best interest at heart.  However, there were some individuals in my life who cared so much about my well being that they risked our friendship in order to try and knock some sense into my head.
My sister was the first person to be like, "C, why are you staying with him"?  I'd be like, "Because I love him, blah, blah, blah".............
My sorority sister would try to slip some advice in every now and then, but she knew that I would always do what I wanted to do in the, but that never made her stop trying.
Another sorority sister didn't give a damn about my feelings and always asked thought provoking questions, so much so that I tried avoiding her and her questions.  I didn't want to think about the horrible decisions I had been making.
It was because of these few people, a few others and especially God, that I was able to pull myself out of the ditch of abused love.  It is because of them that I am here today.

Overlooking the Abuse

I overlooked the abuse one too many times.  I would tell myself that he was a good person and that he needed help, WRONG ADVICE, but I had to learn the hard way.  Note to all the hard heads - Hard heads must learn the Hard way......back to my story.  I kept telling myself that everything would get better, that all I had to do was LOVE him more.  I'm not God, I didn't and still don't have enough love in the world to make an abuser stop abusing me...........only the courts could do that.........and they did.

Points of Life (My Life)

Everything has a starting point, but sometimes the starting point is not easily recognized.  I wasn't born with low self-esteem, but at some point in my life, it kind of landed in my lap and I have had a time trying to get rid of that monkey. Hahaha!  Seriously though, at some point in my childhood, the self-esteem monkey jumped on my back and had a good ride, up until I grew up and started not to give a fuck (I like to say this a lot - forgive me).  If I had to pin-point the starting point where low self-esteem found me, I would probably say it was in my own damn house/home/apartment.  Yes, that's unfortunate to say, but it was the little things that stuck to me and made me question myself.  It was little things that my mother said that made me second guess myself.  I've always carried myself a certain way, walked a certain way, spoke a certain way and my mother was notorious for calling me out, but until she called me out I had no issue or concern with whatever it was.  Once she told me that I had a long neck, lol, and I do (and I love it), but I began to wonder why my neck was so much longer than other people or kids - then I began to try to shrink or hide my neck (of course that didn't work), but I no longer wanted a longer neck.  The neck thing didn't really hurt my feelings, but other things she would later say to me did and I responded in way to defend myself; I began to change myself in order to counter whatever it was that she said.  Don't think that I hate my mother, I love her, but she had/has her issues..............I digress. 
Back to the starting point, my low self-esteem issues began at home, then I went to school, had issues with classmates who may have been dealing with the same things that I was, and they brought it to school in order to release their frustration - so did I - this only heightened my issues.  As the years rolled along, I would encounter more people, more personalities and more problems, but I learned to mask my troubles with sports, friends, school work, all kinds of stuff, anything to keep me occupied.  I can remember the first time I had to just be me, vulnerable, short, ugly (I thought this at one point YIKES!), plain, regular......etc, etc..........I had just moved to Tallahassee and I had ZERO friends other than my baby sis, which would have been perfect, yet she had a different class schedule, therefore a different lunch schedule...........so I was online and I hated it (at first), but then people started gravitating towards me and I was like COOL!  I didn't do anything extra, anything special, I was just being me, alone and within a few months of living in Tally, I just started not giving a FUCK.  Then I graduated high school and went to college, and my "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK" attitude spiraled out of control - LITERALLY! I began not giving a fuck about people's feelings, about family, about whatever and it felt good, I felt GREAT, until another POINT in my life when I met some individuals who also had my way of thinking or something similar and I was like "Whoa!", I wasn't ready and so I had several seats so that I could get my life - I digress........again.
Sighhhhh..............it's a great thing when you can think back to the moments in your life where major changes occurred, and now you have an understanding for who you are, where you come from and why you do the things you do. I find it useful to think back, so that when I move forward, I won't make the same mistake(s) again.

Abused: A College Love Story: Young, dumb and in love.........................

Abused: A College Love Story: Young, dumb and in love.........................: I work with a lot of young people, especially young women, who don't always want to talk about school work with me and their futures as ...

Young, dumb and in love.........................

I work with a lot of young people, especially young women, who don't always want to talk about school work with me and their futures as it pertains to their careers, instead, for some reason, God has put this glow on me and it makes people want to tell me their troubles; especially as it relates to relationships.  I know what I've been thru, and you may know the things that I've shared, but it's hard to listen to these girls talk about their jerks, without me wanting to go find his ass and put him on blast.
Recently, I had a younger woman stop by my office in tears, I mean she was boo-hoo crying and I hadn't even had my coffee yet O_o Well, her boyfriend of the past 3 years had dumped her because he got another girl pregnant, immediately I felt her pain , but I couldn't cry with her because I've hardened over the years, yet I did empathize with her.  She told me that she had been faithful to this guy and all the while, he was cheating on her with an older woman, who is married and has two other kids. I was like can this story get any worse!?
She was hurting and she wanted someone to tell her that everything was gonna be ok, I could definitely do that and I did.  She also wanted me to hear her out as she told me that she was ok with playing in the role of Step-mother - at that moment, I want to slap the plaits out of her head O_o "You what!?", I said. She looked at me, as if to see if I was as serious as I sounded and I was.  I asked her was she settling for an asshole!  He cheated on her, he slept with another woman without using a condom and he dumped her - SMDH.  I was like look, you're gonna do what you wanna do, but you're beautiful (she really is), and you're young (she's 19 and he's 23 working at a pig plant O_o), I'm sure there are tons of guys who have been waiting on you to drop the jerk. 
I told her about some of my experiences and how I hadn't listened to people who were trying to educate me, except the only difference is that those people hadn't been thru what I was going thru, so they were just talking just to try to help - but here I am, telling her that I know EXACTLY what she's experiencing. I think I got thru to her, but I think that she's still ok with settling for his broke down ass.  Of course you know he still calls her eveyday and he wants her back, because he's realized that he's not prepared to take care of a grown ass woman and her 2 and a half kids.
Why do people settle for the bullshit?! Is it because they're just living day to day and not thinking about the future?  I think that's how I was living a few years ago. Young, dumb, and "in love".

Side Effects of Abuse

The side effects of abuse are real. All this time I thought that something was wrong with me, but the side effects of abuse (emotional, physical, verbal) were having their way with me.  Abuse completely changed who I was and created the Cierra you see today.  I went from...........well I almost don't remember who I was because so much was going on during that time.  I was growing up, maturing as a woman, at the same time I was trying to make a man love me, when I hadn't even taken the time to get to know me. 
I digress...........but anyway, I've been experiencing the side effects all this time and had no idea that they were side effects.  I just thought that I was acting funny.  I didn't want to be around other people, not like how I used to want to be around others.  This happened as a result of me trying to make myself more available to this guy who really didn't care about my availability, as long as he got him what he wanted, when he wanted it.  I made so many changes to my life, because I thought it was the right thing to do.  I was thinking that it would make him appreciate me more.  I stopped doing the things that I enjoyed doing like: going out with my girls, talking to my family, having friends over, getting dressed up, traveling to places.........simple things.  After ending that relationship, I felt lost, trapped even, trapped in my thoughts, worried about if people could see that I was lost.  It was scary and it still is. 
I still struggle from time to time, I know that I like certain things, but that relationship, MAN, it had me messed up! I didn't know what was right or wrong.  Some of you may think that I'm exaggerating, but until you've been thru what I've been thru, just take my word for it - the shit is real.  These days I'm married, so I have a partner who will do whatever I want to do, but sometimes I just like to be alone - a side effect of that nasty relationship.  If I wasn't with him, and because I had pulled myself away from my friends, I tended to be alone.  I can be VERY selfish! - a side effect.  I was all about that guy, everything I did was in an effort to please him, shoot forget about me - that's pretty much what I told myself.  Now, I can't get enough of me, which can be bad considering that I'm married and all, but I thank God for my husband - HE'S THE REAL MVP! Lol - love you baby.
I just wish I could have spared myself the headache and the heartache, but I had to go thru it, to learn, simply because I was eager and stubborn.  ALL, A-L-L of the signs were there, but I had it in my mind that I was going to help him get better. Why TF did I think that O_o? LOL.  Later on, somebody made a comment to me that has stuck with me - "Why are you trying to do for him what his momma couldn't do?" Chile, I was like hush your mouth! LOL.  Funny thing is, his momma was always trying to figure out why I stayed with her son, and all I could ever say was that I love him.  And on that cue she would roll her eyes and get back to what she was doing or change the subject.

A Habit

Disclaimer: What you're about to read is MY truth.  Try not to think deeper than the words you will read on this page.  Take everything that you read for it's face value.

I called this post "A Habit" because how I dealt with my relationships in the past all stemmed from the habit of how I dealt with my parents growing up.
I kept taking the lies, upon lies, on top of lies and promises that many of the guys I dealt with were dishing out.  Some men were so good at lying, that they would make me question everything that I thought I knew pertaining to the lie that was up for discussion.  My ex was REALLY good about making promises and not keeping them.  When he would realize that I might be serious about leaving his ass, he turn on the sob story, sometimes even getting on his knees to try and make me believe that he was done playing games and that he was serious about us.  And every time I fell for that crap. LOL, I can laugh about it now, but when I was going thru it, hunny, it was not a laughing matter.
Of course, once I began to work on my book, I started thinking about where I had learned to put up with some of the things that went on in that crazy ass relationship.  Really, after starting talk therapy is when I began to ponder about my upbringing and how some of the things that went on during my youth affected me during my horrible relationships.  I'm almost ashamed to say that my earliest relationships were some of the most negative and unstable relationships that a person could ever have.  I'm referring to the relationships I had with my parents - mom and dad. 
Please know that I love my parents, in fact I have a favorite parent of the two, but those two individuals weren't the most stable, one was worse than the other, but both had issues that were passed down to me in many different ways.  If you know my mom, then you know that she doesn't give a DAMN about what ANYONE has to say about ANYTHING that she does.  I think her weakness is her children, it's 3 of us, but even we can't and don't control what mom does.  As a child, for me, it was very hard dealing with my mother.  My mother was tough and her words could be brutal.  She said some of the most vicious things that you could say to a child, and she could also be physically abusive.  I turned out great, yeah, but from my experiences dealing with her, I think had a lot to do with how I was able to remain in that negative relationship for so long.  I had learned to have a think skin when it mattered.  My mom loved me and when she wasn't angry, she was happy, so I learned to get past her anger because I knew it wouldn't last long.  That was the same stance I took in the relationship with my ex.  His anger wasn't as brutal as my mother's, but his words, actions and the physical abuse was just as bad, maybe even worse.  I learned to deal with it and I made myself believe that it wouldn't last forever and that he needed my help.
Then there is my dad, probably my favorite parent of the 2, but he can also be the most annoying parent of the 2, LOL.  Most times when I speak of him, I'm giving him his props for being so awesome.  He was the one that I did not live with, minus a few short months during his marriage, but he was the one whom teachers would call upon because they knew he could and would get me in line.  My dad always had a job, had a car here and there, but he always had his bicycle and he was there when it counted.  But, he was never there when I wanted him or felt I needed him to be there! Grrrrrr!  His weakness was his women.  My dad was a player and I think that player is synonymous with liar, which he was at times.  That hurts to say that about him, but it's true.  He would call and tell me that he was coming to pick me, but then he would never show, and I would be angry.  However, when he did show up, I would be mad for a little bit, but he would find a way to turn my frown upside down and I would be happy again.  Same thing happened in my relationship(s). I knew dad was a good guy, just like I knew my ex and the other liars I dated were "good" guys, but they all lied and would try to make it up to me by doing something that would make me smile.
I don't think that my parents knew they were hurting me in the ways that they did, I don't think that they did anything intentionally, I don't think that they knew I would suffer from childhood experiences during my young adult years, but I did.  I remember one of my family members told me that just because your daddy is physically around, doesn't mean that he is really there for you.  I can see my dad every day, but if he's not teaching me how to deal with a man, what treatment to accept from a man, how to act with a man, how to know that a man loves you, then it's still like your dad is not really there.

I'm Surprised..........

I'm surprised I don't have HIV or AIDS. I know, that's a very bold statement for me to say.  What are my friends going to think when they read this?  What would my mother and father say if they read this post, or heard it thru the grapevine (especially since they both live in a small town where everybody knows everybody)?  But seriously, I'm blessed, yet I'm still surprised that I don't have HIV or AIDS. I thank God that I don't, but boy those insecurities will do a number on a young woman.
I was in college and all of these fine men were everywhere I looked, but I didn't really know what I was looking for, so I just took whatever was given to me - WRONG move!  Honestly, I was looking for love and fun, and I had had both of those things at one point, but for some odd reason I got bored with both love and fun, so I decided to step out into the world and find the love and fun that I thought I had been missing out on - I was clueless!  I had convinced myself that sex was going to bring me the joy, love and fun that I had been missing, but it didn't.  Sex didn't even get me a nice date most of the time.  And to make matters worse, I was having sex and thought that I was untouchable - BOY was I stupid.  SMH. 
Everytime a young woman allows a man to ENTER her body, she's allowing all of his past escapades, his troubles, his demons to enter into her spirit and if she's not strong enough, she will become a victim.  When I say victim, I don't mean that the guy necessarily did anything wrong, besides, she had to agree to have sex with him right? Yes!  What I mean is that she has lost a piece of herself and earned a piece of him, so now when he discards her like the trash she feels like after the sex is over, the next man OR woman is going to have to deal with her and the mess the other guy let behind - to me that's a victim.  In fact, the next person might be considered a victim as well, because if they can put up with her troubles they may experience their own pain along the way.

You're Staying With Him Why? O_o

I came up with many excuses for why I put up with the antics, lies and abuse of my ex-boyfriend.  I told myself that he was fine and that nobody else was going to be able to love me like him; even though he didn't love me, he only loved what I did for him.  I told myself that he needed me to be there for him, but I never thought about if he was going to be there for me AND he never was.  I even told myself that I was never gonna find any sex that would be better than his sex, bwahahahah, what was I smoking?  It was like I knew that I was hurting, but I didn't realize that the hurt would end if only I would leave him.  I had nothing holding me there.  We didn't have kids together, we weren't married, we didn't share bills or bank accounts so I was free to leave whenever I felt like it, but see that was my flaw, I didn't want to leave because I was afraid to be alone, to be without him, basically I was afraid to not hurt.  I had become so used to the hurt that I was afraid of experiencing anything other than hurt. What was I thinking?

So now, why are you staying with that chump?  I bet you're making every excuse in the book, aren't you?  You're thinking that I don't understand or that your family doesn't understand, but trust me, we do.  If you're not happy and you're the only one giving a damn and putting the work into that relationship, then we people can see that, but I guess you will get it when you get fed up or sick and tired of his ways.  For me, staying in that relationship was the worst thing I could have done to myself.  It broke me down, wore me out and I was just a mess.  I couldn't tell if I was coming or going.  But you, YOU, you can get out now.  Save yourself some heartache and headache.  Be real with yourself for once..........is he only happy when you give him sex?  Is he only happy when you're not around?  Does he treat you like the next girl in front of his friends?  Does he make up ridiculous stories in order to make you think you're crazy or that you didn't see what you saw?  If the answer is yes, RUN THE OTHER WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Save yourself girl!

Domestic Abuse - Never Thought It Would Happen To Me

I NEVER thought I would be a victim. I NEVER thought I would be a statistic.  But like people say: NEVER say NEVER.  Everything that could happen to me happened.  The abuse was real.  The abuser was cold. He took joy, it seemed, in seeing how long I could last.  It got so bad that he would play mind games, just to get me worked up, only to admit that it was just "a game" or just "a joke".  There was nothing that anyone could physically do for me, because mentally and emotionally, I was stuck.  I felt like I was in a deep pit, and if you passed by it you could see me, but you couldn't help me because I kinda didn't want to be helped.  I wanted help, but I was afraid of losing him, SMH.  I was almost out of my mind at that point, to want help, but afraid to ask for it.  I didn't think people would believe me, especially because of the persona I displayed - CeCi = tough - CeCi = energetic - CeCi = takes no shit; but it can happen to the best of us!  What's even more, I found out that it was a family cycle for the women to be abused..........it happened to my grandmothers, my mother, aunts, but why hadn't anyone said anything?!  I'm not blaming them.  In fact I respect them because they made it thru, but I'm going to be the one to break the silence.  Abuse is REAL.  Abuse can kill a person's spirit.  Abuse can be avoided if only there is that one person who is not afraid or ashamed to talk about it.

There Were Some "Good" Times..................

There were good times, not every moment of that relationship was horrible.  This is a photo of me when I had considered modeling, but I was too intimated by the idea that I wouldn't be good enough to model for real.  I took this picture in order to produce a suitable portfolio for America's Next Top Model - the petite model edition.  Oh man, I think we were fresh in our relationship at this point, or maybe this was just before the break-up, but I was alright, I was still good.
There were good times in our relationship, we started off really well, at least it was well enough for me at that point.  I didn't have any standards in place in order to know what I was willing to accept and to not accept, but thanks to the at relationship, I have standards now.  I would hear alot of people talk about "having standards", but if you didn't grow up with standards, how in the hell are you going to produce standards without being exposed to some?  That was the problem, I was never exposed to standards!  Seriously!  So I didn't know how to be treated because no one had ever told me how a guy was supposed to treat me.  Isn't that crazy!?  I took me going thru Hell and back, in order to finally know what standards are and to finally develop my own.  Oh my God, I had ZERO standards for a very long time, so as you can imagine, I was going thru it for a very long time.  I was being used and abused, but instead of seeking help, I was settling for whatever was given to me, as long as it didn't resemble the things that I had seen happen to my mother.
I'm thankful for the good times that I shared with Guy, it proved to me that he wasn't a completely bad person, instead, he was a person that was lost and he needed help finding his way, unfortunately, I took it upon myself to be the person to help him find his way.  WRONG MOVE!  Ladies!  If you learn nothing else from my story, my struggle, PLEASE learn this:  It Is NO'T your duty to help a man find his way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If his mother couldn't do it, and he hasn't enlisted God's help, then by all means, RUN THE OTHER WAY! Please run, you cannot fix in a few months, what his parents failed to teach him his entire life.  Ladies, DON'T rely on the Good Times, especially if the good times do not outweigh the bad times.
We did have some "Good" times, but I wish I had known that the Good Times were not enough.

Why This Book?

Why am I writing this book?  Why am I writing this book now?  This book has been on my mind for years now, in fact, this book has been on my heart since before I even experienced the things that you're going to read about.  When I was a sophomore at Florida State University, I wanted to write about something and I even told some friends, but I didn't think that I had anything worth writing about at that time.  So time has passed and life has happened to me, and now I feel like I have something to share with young women, especially those of us who have looked to our male counterparts to find our peace.  You'll never find peace that way.  It's going to take you looking within yourself to find that peace.  You're going to have to pray, read, pray, cry, pray, yell.............it's going to take all of that to find that peace - well at least that works for me.  Everyone is different, but we can all find our peace.  It took me a long time to realize that and some days I STILL have my moments!  Ask my husband! LOL, he knows better than anybody.

I wish a book like mine was readily available, easily accessible when I was going thru.  I spoke with a therapist, I spoke with sorority sisters, I spoke with family, I prayed (but I didn't fully believe at that time), I thought I was doing at least one thing right, but nope, I put all my trust and love into this one being and I was let down - I was beat down, literally.  You're going to get your copy of this book and your jaws are going to drop to the ground.  Some of you are even going to give me the side eye, but most importantly there will be some who will cry and who will be thankful for my story.  There are going to be some who will be able to avoid unhealthy relationships based on my experiences.  My memoir is going to prove that you should never judge a book by it's cover.

Abused: A College Love Story: Insecure

Abused: A College Love Story: Insecure: Have you ever been in a relationship, thinking you were all that and a bag of chips, but then reality slaps you in the face and you suddenly...

Insecure

Have you ever been in a relationship, thinking you were all that and a bag of chips, but then reality slaps you in the face and you suddenly realize that you've in the relationship by your damn self the entire time?  That's what it was like for me.  For someone on the outside looking in, my relationship with that Guy was what the young folks call "Relationship Goals" status because he was fine, athletic and fine - that's all he had to offer unfortunately, but I was there for it.  I allowed myself to stay within an abusive situation because of aesthetics, vanity, and insecurities.  I'm here to tell ya'll, insecurities will break a person down if you let it.  I believe that people in jail were insecure before they committed the crime, probably because they thought they had something to prove to someone.  I believe that women like myself, at that time, stay in abusive relationships because they/we are/were insecure, that man, at that particular time, is what we thought we needed to get by - at least that's what I thought.  I was wrong.  Instead of building me up, he took every chance he could to tear me down and I LET HIM.  Yes, I allowed him to tear me down, because I was settling, I didn't seek God first and I thought that I had everything under control - but I lost myself.  I was already broken upon entering that relationship, but staying in it and remaining in it until I was worn out, really broke me.  Unfortunately, it took every negative thing he could think to do to me to make me wake up, run and never look back.

Death of a Friend, Death of a Relationship

What is Death?

Is it the closing of my eyes,

after years of pain,

stress and all the other things that came with this life.

After you hung my people on that big, oak tree,

in my small city and you tell me that I can't touch it because its sacred.

After she got sick and couldn't walk or talk to me

and I left her because she was scared, then she went home and died.

Is death what I always dreamed it would be,

after you hit me and I layed my head down and took it and cried?

Is it closing your eyes after the doctor tells you that you have a disease

and your heart drops and you cry?

Or is it when you're alone, in the dark,

and nobody hears your screams,

your agony, your blood, and your tears.

Your hunger, the tiredness of your body, the ring of dirt in your tub,

the scars, the beatings, the lies,

the anger, the tears, the casket, the flowers,

the sun, and moon and...........

What the hell is death?

By: Cierra Griffin

I got the call that Karen had passed away.  Then I just sat there, in disbelief.  I remember speaking with my other line-sisters and we were all in disbelief.  I was afraid, I felt like I had let her down somehow, like why couldn't I save her?  My line-sister, my friend, my roommate, my voice of reason, shoot she was the voice of reason for all of us - then she died.  That was 2009. The time when I needed him the most, he could care less.  One of times that I needed him the most, when I just needed a shoulder to cry on, he was like naw.  His excuse was that I had broken up with him, so why did he have to be there for me. True, but the love didn't stop.  I was thinking that at least you still love me right?  So if you love me, then you could at least console me, but nope.  So i made him comfort me and that's the worst feeling in world.  To know that the person you love, the person you came to know, to know that they won't even hold you because the relationship ended, that was hard.

2010 - Graduation

2010.  So much happened in 2010.  This is a pic of me from my graduation photoshoot, which was and still is a popular think to do it seems, no matter where you're graduating from.
I had been through so much in 2010.  By the Fall of 2010, I was getting ready to leave college behind, in hopes of finding a job out in the real world, but I wasn't really sure that I had what it takes to get by, so two days after I graduated, I decided to move out of my home, out of the state and move-in with my on-again/off-again boyfriend at his new home.  That was yet another crazy thing for me to do.  We had already tried living together months ago and that was an epic failure.  At the time it seemed like the best plan for me because he was already established and he had a couple jobs, so all I had to do was make a home for us. After all that I had been through with him, I should have known to stay my butt at home and trust in God to make a way for me, but nope, I could do it on my own, but with the help of my man.  Let me tell ya'll, staying with him didn't even last half a year, I was out his place and back on my sister's couch with the next month. I had moved out of my home and into his home in an effort to not end up homeless and jobless, but my plan flopped and I ended up homeless and jobless. SMH

Feeling Trapped

Wow, I posted this picture to my Facebook months ago, well over a year or two now, but tonight after my first blog post for my book, I saw this picture and it reminded me of how I felt during those 3 years.  Of course my relationship with Guy didn't start off rocky, but within 4 months of being with him, everything went sour and I was already in too deep.  I felt trapped, like the bars that I'm holding in this photo, I couldn't break free from that relationship or at least it felt that way.  The white, bright background reminds me of what I made people believe about me during that relationship.  I made it seem like I was the happiest girl in the world.  I made people believe that Guy was everything that a girl could ever want in a man, but behind closed doors, I would lay on my couch, in the dark of night and literally cry myself to sleep.  I would lay on the couch sobbing like a baby because he had said something to hurt me or he had cheated on me and I was distraught.  If anyone came over or called me during one of those crying sessions, I would sit up really fast, wipe my face, try to get my voice back right and act like everything was good or like I had just got up from a good nap.  I felt trapped.  I didn't want to be alone, I was tired of being abused, but I didn't think any of my friends, my sorority sisters, no one could possibly understand what I was going thru.  So I stayed with him.  He was the only person at the time who knew exactly what I was going thru because I was going thru it with him.  It took me 3 years and 4 months to break free and try to start living life again, but you would have never known because I was a great actress.

No Pictures

I was trying to find some photos of me from when I was in a relationship with Guy, but I guess I never really had time to take any because I was sure that I wasn't cute enough.  I was literally searching through all of my pictures on Facebook and what I found were photos that were before Guy and I got together and shortly after he got locked up.  In this photo, I was fresh out of our relationship and I had no idea of where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be, well I did have an idea, but I wasn't so sure it was going to workout for me.  I had been so used to feeling unpretty, that the idea of modeling was baffling.  What would Guy say if I told him that I wanted to model?  He would either laugh at me and blow it off or he would ignore me, yet figure out a way to make me feel inadequate, better yet, he might grab me by my neck until I couldn't breath and all I had strength to do was cry.
I think I was in a dark place before I entered into a relationship with him, but I thought that being with him would somehow help me get better, get back to who I was, but hell, he didn't even know who he was.  I was fresh out of another relationship, didn't even give myself time to breath, then went from one extreme to another, from a loser to a nut case.