Why This Book?

Why am I writing this book?  Why am I writing this book now?  This book has been on my mind for years now, in fact, this book has been on my heart since before I even experienced the things that you're going to read about.  When I was a sophomore at Florida State University, I wanted to write about something and I even told some friends, but I didn't think that I had anything worth writing about at that time.  So time has passed and life has happened to me, and now I feel like I have something to share with young women, especially those of us who have looked to our male counterparts to find our peace.  You'll never find peace that way.  It's going to take you looking within yourself to find that peace.  You're going to have to pray, read, pray, cry, pray, yell.............it's going to take all of that to find that peace - well at least that works for me.  Everyone is different, but we can all find our peace.  It took me a long time to realize that and some days I STILL have my moments!  Ask my husband! LOL, he knows better than anybody.

I wish a book like mine was readily available, easily accessible when I was going thru.  I spoke with a therapist, I spoke with sorority sisters, I spoke with family, I prayed (but I didn't fully believe at that time), I thought I was doing at least one thing right, but nope, I put all my trust and love into this one being and I was let down - I was beat down, literally.  You're going to get your copy of this book and your jaws are going to drop to the ground.  Some of you are even going to give me the side eye, but most importantly there will be some who will cry and who will be thankful for my story.  There are going to be some who will be able to avoid unhealthy relationships based on my experiences.  My memoir is going to prove that you should never judge a book by it's cover.

Abused: A College Love Story: Insecure

Abused: A College Love Story: Insecure: Have you ever been in a relationship, thinking you were all that and a bag of chips, but then reality slaps you in the face and you suddenly...

Insecure

Have you ever been in a relationship, thinking you were all that and a bag of chips, but then reality slaps you in the face and you suddenly realize that you've in the relationship by your damn self the entire time?  That's what it was like for me.  For someone on the outside looking in, my relationship with that Guy was what the young folks call "Relationship Goals" status because he was fine, athletic and fine - that's all he had to offer unfortunately, but I was there for it.  I allowed myself to stay within an abusive situation because of aesthetics, vanity, and insecurities.  I'm here to tell ya'll, insecurities will break a person down if you let it.  I believe that people in jail were insecure before they committed the crime, probably because they thought they had something to prove to someone.  I believe that women like myself, at that time, stay in abusive relationships because they/we are/were insecure, that man, at that particular time, is what we thought we needed to get by - at least that's what I thought.  I was wrong.  Instead of building me up, he took every chance he could to tear me down and I LET HIM.  Yes, I allowed him to tear me down, because I was settling, I didn't seek God first and I thought that I had everything under control - but I lost myself.  I was already broken upon entering that relationship, but staying in it and remaining in it until I was worn out, really broke me.  Unfortunately, it took every negative thing he could think to do to me to make me wake up, run and never look back.

Death of a Friend, Death of a Relationship

What is Death?

Is it the closing of my eyes,

after years of pain,

stress and all the other things that came with this life.

After you hung my people on that big, oak tree,

in my small city and you tell me that I can't touch it because its sacred.

After she got sick and couldn't walk or talk to me

and I left her because she was scared, then she went home and died.

Is death what I always dreamed it would be,

after you hit me and I layed my head down and took it and cried?

Is it closing your eyes after the doctor tells you that you have a disease

and your heart drops and you cry?

Or is it when you're alone, in the dark,

and nobody hears your screams,

your agony, your blood, and your tears.

Your hunger, the tiredness of your body, the ring of dirt in your tub,

the scars, the beatings, the lies,

the anger, the tears, the casket, the flowers,

the sun, and moon and...........

What the hell is death?

By: Cierra Griffin

I got the call that Karen had passed away.  Then I just sat there, in disbelief.  I remember speaking with my other line-sisters and we were all in disbelief.  I was afraid, I felt like I had let her down somehow, like why couldn't I save her?  My line-sister, my friend, my roommate, my voice of reason, shoot she was the voice of reason for all of us - then she died.  That was 2009. The time when I needed him the most, he could care less.  One of times that I needed him the most, when I just needed a shoulder to cry on, he was like naw.  His excuse was that I had broken up with him, so why did he have to be there for me. True, but the love didn't stop.  I was thinking that at least you still love me right?  So if you love me, then you could at least console me, but nope.  So i made him comfort me and that's the worst feeling in world.  To know that the person you love, the person you came to know, to know that they won't even hold you because the relationship ended, that was hard.

2010 - Graduation

2010.  So much happened in 2010.  This is a pic of me from my graduation photoshoot, which was and still is a popular think to do it seems, no matter where you're graduating from.
I had been through so much in 2010.  By the Fall of 2010, I was getting ready to leave college behind, in hopes of finding a job out in the real world, but I wasn't really sure that I had what it takes to get by, so two days after I graduated, I decided to move out of my home, out of the state and move-in with my on-again/off-again boyfriend at his new home.  That was yet another crazy thing for me to do.  We had already tried living together months ago and that was an epic failure.  At the time it seemed like the best plan for me because he was already established and he had a couple jobs, so all I had to do was make a home for us. After all that I had been through with him, I should have known to stay my butt at home and trust in God to make a way for me, but nope, I could do it on my own, but with the help of my man.  Let me tell ya'll, staying with him didn't even last half a year, I was out his place and back on my sister's couch with the next month. I had moved out of my home and into his home in an effort to not end up homeless and jobless, but my plan flopped and I ended up homeless and jobless. SMH

Feeling Trapped

Wow, I posted this picture to my Facebook months ago, well over a year or two now, but tonight after my first blog post for my book, I saw this picture and it reminded me of how I felt during those 3 years.  Of course my relationship with Guy didn't start off rocky, but within 4 months of being with him, everything went sour and I was already in too deep.  I felt trapped, like the bars that I'm holding in this photo, I couldn't break free from that relationship or at least it felt that way.  The white, bright background reminds me of what I made people believe about me during that relationship.  I made it seem like I was the happiest girl in the world.  I made people believe that Guy was everything that a girl could ever want in a man, but behind closed doors, I would lay on my couch, in the dark of night and literally cry myself to sleep.  I would lay on the couch sobbing like a baby because he had said something to hurt me or he had cheated on me and I was distraught.  If anyone came over or called me during one of those crying sessions, I would sit up really fast, wipe my face, try to get my voice back right and act like everything was good or like I had just got up from a good nap.  I felt trapped.  I didn't want to be alone, I was tired of being abused, but I didn't think any of my friends, my sorority sisters, no one could possibly understand what I was going thru.  So I stayed with him.  He was the only person at the time who knew exactly what I was going thru because I was going thru it with him.  It took me 3 years and 4 months to break free and try to start living life again, but you would have never known because I was a great actress.

No Pictures

I was trying to find some photos of me from when I was in a relationship with Guy, but I guess I never really had time to take any because I was sure that I wasn't cute enough.  I was literally searching through all of my pictures on Facebook and what I found were photos that were before Guy and I got together and shortly after he got locked up.  In this photo, I was fresh out of our relationship and I had no idea of where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be, well I did have an idea, but I wasn't so sure it was going to workout for me.  I had been so used to feeling unpretty, that the idea of modeling was baffling.  What would Guy say if I told him that I wanted to model?  He would either laugh at me and blow it off or he would ignore me, yet figure out a way to make me feel inadequate, better yet, he might grab me by my neck until I couldn't breath and all I had strength to do was cry.
I think I was in a dark place before I entered into a relationship with him, but I thought that being with him would somehow help me get better, get back to who I was, but hell, he didn't even know who he was.  I was fresh out of another relationship, didn't even give myself time to breath, then went from one extreme to another, from a loser to a nut case.