My friends often wonder why I didn't speak up during the abuse and I wanted too, but I really didn't believe that anyone could possibly understand my struggle.
Inside, I was screaming for someone to understand my situation, but when I looked around at my environment and the people I associated with, I didn't think anyone would understand what I was going through.
Here I was, this young woman, attending a major university, with nothing but well-educated men and women around me. The family that I come from wouldn't necessarily understand my situation either.
I come from a family of hard-workers, they believe in going out and making a living, no time for drama, however, whenever they're faced with drama, they would handle it and keep it moving. The only person in my family who I believe could possibly understand what I was going through was my mother, but she was dealing with her own demons, so I had to deal with mine, on my own.
I dealt with my abuse by writing about it in my journal or writing poems that expressed my emotions, thoughts and prayers.
When I was out with friends and sisters, I enjoyed having fun, being loud and partying; but I was still alone, I still had my thoughts and that made me feel like I had no one to turn to.
If you are closely associated or related to a person who you think is a victim of abuse, begin to educate yourself about domestic abuse or find someone who is knowledgeable and helpful, because they can be a good sounding board for the victim.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Can I Be Brutally Honest?
If I am allowed to be brutally honest, I believe abuse happened to me because I wasn't strong enough to say no to it. Although I may have verbally said "No" to him, I stayed with him, and staying with your abuser is just like saying yes.
I see so many young women staying with guys who mean them no good. The men cheat on them, lie to them and hurt them, but then he brings on the dramatics, and we fall for it everytime.
I was no different than the young ladies I often interact with. I was lied to, cheated on, and hurt, but I always came back to him; it was almost like I couldn't get enough of his pain.
I see so many young women staying with guys who mean them no good. The men cheat on them, lie to them and hurt them, but then he brings on the dramatics, and we fall for it everytime.
I was no different than the young ladies I often interact with. I was lied to, cheated on, and hurt, but I always came back to him; it was almost like I couldn't get enough of his pain.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Feeling Emotional..........
If you've never been in an abusive relationship, I pray that you remain that way, FOREVER!
I get emotional when I hear or see that another person is in a situation that can be physically, emotionally and mentally detrimental.
An abusive relationship changes you forever.
For some people, an abusive relationship makes them stronger, more aware of who they are, what their goals are, and what they need to do to accomplish them.
For others, an abusive relationship can make them think less of themselves and feel that they aren't worthy of a better reality.
Every time I hear a story about some person being murdered by an abusive spouse, I cringe, because it could have been me.
The fact that I am still here, able to share my story, is a reason to get emotional.
I get emotional when I hear or see that another person is in a situation that can be physically, emotionally and mentally detrimental.
An abusive relationship changes you forever.
For some people, an abusive relationship makes them stronger, more aware of who they are, what their goals are, and what they need to do to accomplish them.
For others, an abusive relationship can make them think less of themselves and feel that they aren't worthy of a better reality.
Every time I hear a story about some person being murdered by an abusive spouse, I cringe, because it could have been me.
The fact that I am still here, able to share my story, is a reason to get emotional.
Monday, August 1, 2016
When I Was In College..........
When I was in college I allowed myself to remain in a relationship that proved to be abusive within the first 3 months.
I stayed in that relationship because I was insecure about my looks and what I had to offer to the world.
My abuser recognized my insecurities because I shared these things with him and he was able to use my pain as his ammunition.
It took me 3 long years to realize that I was worth more than what he offered me (which at the time I thought it was bearable because of his "status" on campus).
I wrote a book about that 3 year relationship with hopes that my experiences will help the next college aged girl realize her worth and love her abusive relationship OR avoid the abusive relationship all together.
The book is coming soon..............
I stayed in that relationship because I was insecure about my looks and what I had to offer to the world.
My abuser recognized my insecurities because I shared these things with him and he was able to use my pain as his ammunition.
It took me 3 long years to realize that I was worth more than what he offered me (which at the time I thought it was bearable because of his "status" on campus).
I wrote a book about that 3 year relationship with hopes that my experiences will help the next college aged girl realize her worth and love her abusive relationship OR avoid the abusive relationship all together.
The book is coming soon..............
Monday, March 21, 2016
The Power of Educators
By now you've probably realized that I'm going to talk about everything that impacts me in some way, forgive me, but I think all this stuff might help you, as well as provide some sort of therapy for me.
As you know, I work in the awesome world of Higher Education, I think I can blame this on my dad because he was always, ALWAYS pushing education down my throat (not literally). So, after 20 something plus years, I ended up working in education, which I never really saw coming, but I'm glad it happened to me. However, this post isn't really about how I got into education, it's more so about some of the teachers who played a role in my life, positive and negative.
Often times, ALL the time, I run into teachers who could give a damn about the future of their students, plus with this No Child Left Behind crap, their only goal is to get the child thru to the next grade level, where they will no longer be their responsibility. Ain't that some shit?! However, I can't really be mad at the educators for that part only because they have to abide by so many laws, guidelines and rules, that they literally just want to teach and go home. That's all well and fine, but if you're a teacher, I would hope that you realize the role you play in a child's life, if you don't, then you should.
Growing up my teachers were like local superstars to me, I looked up to these people, I would pretty much do anything they said, AND I was always trying to please them - well not always, but most of the time. On the flip side, my teachers (the ones who cared), were always trying to teach me something; they were always trying to help me realize something and those things are what I remembered the most, those things, the way they handled me and spoke to me, those are the things I try to impart on the students I come into contact with everyday.
As educators I feel we should go ABOVE and BEYOND the call of duty when it comes to our students. WHY? Because we've obviously gone and earned us an education, now it's time to give back. We know what it took for us to succeed, some of us had to overcome many life obstacles to make it happen, but we were able to do it, so we can definitely be a help to these kids. I did not know what type of kids I would be serving when I accepted my position, well, I knew that I would be working with high achieving students, but nobody told me that I would be working with kids who come from situations like I did growing up. Once I meet those students, it's on, I have to MAKE them know that I care and that I want to help. I find myself having to get real basic with them, trying to make them think about their futures. I try to make them understand that what their life is now, it doesn't have to be forever.
Most of the teachers I come into contact with now could care less; some of them are even afraid of their students and still some don't want to help them because they may not like the parents or because of the color of their skin (isn't that a damn shame?). But I see this and I take action, but it's not only me, I believe God has given me some tools and I put them to use and then I watch these kids blossom. It's amazing.
I had some great teachers growing up. Mrs. D. Bryant who was all up in yo face (smile). Mrs. L. Jones who was old school and didn't take no ish. Mrs. Chambers, who was never MY teacher, but she didn't care, she made sure you were on task when she saw you in the hall way. Ms. Fletcher, my kindergarten teacher, she was awesome and she cared so much (she made a lasting impression on me). Mrs. T. Friese, she was just like Mrs. Chambers, didn't take no ish and made sure that you learned the material. Mrs. T. House, awesome lady, awesome teacher and kept it real with you. Ms. Wilson, Mr. Arrington, Coach Bryant, Mr. H. Jones (this guy taught my dad), and the list goes on and on. I had some teachers who only saw me as less than (academically), so they didn't waste anytime with me, they didn't invest in me, and had I not been so strong-willed that stuff would have deterred me, thank God I am who I am. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about some of the students I see now. The teachers don't give a damn, so the students don't give a damn and I can't say that I blame them. What I can say is this, I use what I've been taught and I put it out there to my students, I'm an AGGRESSIVE advisor, I'm in YOUR (THEIR) face and I don't care about their feelings because I DO CARE about their future.
No, we don't get paid much, but don't let that stop you from going above and beyond. Remember, your interactions with these students are like your investment into YOUR future. Think and act wisely.
As you know, I work in the awesome world of Higher Education, I think I can blame this on my dad because he was always, ALWAYS pushing education down my throat (not literally). So, after 20 something plus years, I ended up working in education, which I never really saw coming, but I'm glad it happened to me. However, this post isn't really about how I got into education, it's more so about some of the teachers who played a role in my life, positive and negative.
Often times, ALL the time, I run into teachers who could give a damn about the future of their students, plus with this No Child Left Behind crap, their only goal is to get the child thru to the next grade level, where they will no longer be their responsibility. Ain't that some shit?! However, I can't really be mad at the educators for that part only because they have to abide by so many laws, guidelines and rules, that they literally just want to teach and go home. That's all well and fine, but if you're a teacher, I would hope that you realize the role you play in a child's life, if you don't, then you should.
Growing up my teachers were like local superstars to me, I looked up to these people, I would pretty much do anything they said, AND I was always trying to please them - well not always, but most of the time. On the flip side, my teachers (the ones who cared), were always trying to teach me something; they were always trying to help me realize something and those things are what I remembered the most, those things, the way they handled me and spoke to me, those are the things I try to impart on the students I come into contact with everyday.
As educators I feel we should go ABOVE and BEYOND the call of duty when it comes to our students. WHY? Because we've obviously gone and earned us an education, now it's time to give back. We know what it took for us to succeed, some of us had to overcome many life obstacles to make it happen, but we were able to do it, so we can definitely be a help to these kids. I did not know what type of kids I would be serving when I accepted my position, well, I knew that I would be working with high achieving students, but nobody told me that I would be working with kids who come from situations like I did growing up. Once I meet those students, it's on, I have to MAKE them know that I care and that I want to help. I find myself having to get real basic with them, trying to make them think about their futures. I try to make them understand that what their life is now, it doesn't have to be forever.
Most of the teachers I come into contact with now could care less; some of them are even afraid of their students and still some don't want to help them because they may not like the parents or because of the color of their skin (isn't that a damn shame?). But I see this and I take action, but it's not only me, I believe God has given me some tools and I put them to use and then I watch these kids blossom. It's amazing.
I had some great teachers growing up. Mrs. D. Bryant who was all up in yo face (smile). Mrs. L. Jones who was old school and didn't take no ish. Mrs. Chambers, who was never MY teacher, but she didn't care, she made sure you were on task when she saw you in the hall way. Ms. Fletcher, my kindergarten teacher, she was awesome and she cared so much (she made a lasting impression on me). Mrs. T. Friese, she was just like Mrs. Chambers, didn't take no ish and made sure that you learned the material. Mrs. T. House, awesome lady, awesome teacher and kept it real with you. Ms. Wilson, Mr. Arrington, Coach Bryant, Mr. H. Jones (this guy taught my dad), and the list goes on and on. I had some teachers who only saw me as less than (academically), so they didn't waste anytime with me, they didn't invest in me, and had I not been so strong-willed that stuff would have deterred me, thank God I am who I am. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about some of the students I see now. The teachers don't give a damn, so the students don't give a damn and I can't say that I blame them. What I can say is this, I use what I've been taught and I put it out there to my students, I'm an AGGRESSIVE advisor, I'm in YOUR (THEIR) face and I don't care about their feelings because I DO CARE about their future.
No, we don't get paid much, but don't let that stop you from going above and beyond. Remember, your interactions with these students are like your investment into YOUR future. Think and act wisely.
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
It could have been ME, It should have been ME
A few weeks back I shared with everyone that I struggle with my faith very often. Sometimes I feel like God isn't there. Other times I feel like he's there, but he's watching me screw up. I continually look to him, in prayer, in conversation, and I ask him to show himself to me. I actually ask God to prove himself to me...........and he does. He shows me things in major, yet subtle ways, enough to make my eyes get big (like Ruby - inside joke between my sister Brandy and I). Like, when I think about some of the crazy stuff I did as I was trying to become the adult that I thought I should be, I really shouldn't be here right now. I was just doing some research about STDs and HIV, and I felt something say, "It could have been you". OUCH! It hurts but it's true, it really could have been me. I often get so busy thinking about what I need to do, or why hasn't something happened for me yet, but I do tell God thank you enough for the simple fact that I'm still here. I don't have cancer, I don't have HIV, I can see with both eyes, my body operates the same way it did when I was in high school (twerk team - LOL - this is a joke). I'm here. I get to share my story with you. You get to witness me transform right before your eyes. I don't say thank you enough. I don't believe enough, but I'm putting my busy work schedule on pause, just to say, "It should have been ME, it could have been ME, if it wasn't for the blood!"
Ok, back to my regularly scheduled work day :)
Ok, back to my regularly scheduled work day :)
Monday, March 7, 2016
I Lost Myself
"If you allow yourself to remain in a situation where you are constantly losing sight of who you are, you have succeeded in slowly killing yourself." - CeCi Gee
Until the moment that I gave birth to my son and hours later he died, being in an abusive relationship was the lowest point of my life. I felt hopeless, I quite literally had lost hope. I felt drained, I wanted it to be over and I just wanted to disappear. I no longer liked me and inwardly, I was ok with that. The dislike of myself did not start once I began a relationship with my ex-boyfriend, the dislike of myself came when I felt like I needed to be like everyone else. Isn't that simply crazy? Today, this is so simple to me, it makes too much sense, but less than 10 years ago I wasn't trying to see it. I was so busy trying to find myself, when at that point, I hadn't even lost myself, I just didn't like myself, so I decided to become someone else. I did things to make myself feel good, no hard drugs or anything like that, but I drank alcohol with the sole purpose of becoming EXTREMELY inebriated. I did everything I could to attract the attention of men, good men, bad men, it didn't matter, as long as they were physically attractive and could make me feel better than how I was feeling at that moment. There were times that I partied so much that I don't remember how I got from there to here, from point A to point B. What I told myself was this: I'm grown; I'm living my life; I'm having fun; There are no strings attached; I don't owe anybody anything; I don't give a fuck (I still feel this way from time to time); I felt like I was living, when really I was going thru the motions; I was losing myself. In the process of trying to find myself, I lost myself, because I wasn't happy with myself and when I thought I was coming to my senses, I really wasn't, but what I was doing was digging myself further and further into a hole. Then I met my abuser, who told me everything I wanted to hear at that time, which made it easy for me to fall for him, stay with him and love him. It would ultimately take a life-changing event that would make it easy for me to leave him, once and for all.
Until the moment that I gave birth to my son and hours later he died, being in an abusive relationship was the lowest point of my life. I felt hopeless, I quite literally had lost hope. I felt drained, I wanted it to be over and I just wanted to disappear. I no longer liked me and inwardly, I was ok with that. The dislike of myself did not start once I began a relationship with my ex-boyfriend, the dislike of myself came when I felt like I needed to be like everyone else. Isn't that simply crazy? Today, this is so simple to me, it makes too much sense, but less than 10 years ago I wasn't trying to see it. I was so busy trying to find myself, when at that point, I hadn't even lost myself, I just didn't like myself, so I decided to become someone else. I did things to make myself feel good, no hard drugs or anything like that, but I drank alcohol with the sole purpose of becoming EXTREMELY inebriated. I did everything I could to attract the attention of men, good men, bad men, it didn't matter, as long as they were physically attractive and could make me feel better than how I was feeling at that moment. There were times that I partied so much that I don't remember how I got from there to here, from point A to point B. What I told myself was this: I'm grown; I'm living my life; I'm having fun; There are no strings attached; I don't owe anybody anything; I don't give a fuck (I still feel this way from time to time); I felt like I was living, when really I was going thru the motions; I was losing myself. In the process of trying to find myself, I lost myself, because I wasn't happy with myself and when I thought I was coming to my senses, I really wasn't, but what I was doing was digging myself further and further into a hole. Then I met my abuser, who told me everything I wanted to hear at that time, which made it easy for me to fall for him, stay with him and love him. It would ultimately take a life-changing event that would make it easy for me to leave him, once and for all.
Friday, March 4, 2016
Settling
I hate to see a person settle for less than what they're worth. I saw a student I had been counseling last semester and she was back with a guy who had given her an STD, cheated on her, left her for the woman he cheated with and got the other woman pregnant. I told myself that I couldn't be angry with her, but I was angry. I had explained to this student to consider everything that he had put her through, consider how she allowed him to put her life in danger by giving her an STD. I asked her to think about her future and was this guy really worth her worrying over him, but apparently he was and is, because she's back with him, even let him drive HER car; she reminds me of me a few years back.
A few years ago I was in a horrible relationship, very abusive, mentally, emotionally, sexually and physically. I was also receiving counseling and my counselor kept telling me to stop going back to this guy, but I was ok with settling for his abuse because I thought he provided me with things that I was missing. This guy exhibited every negative thing that could be done to another person in a relationship, yet, somehow I had convinced myself that he was the best that I could do; I bet my old counselor felt the way that I currently feel. I just wanted to grab the girl and shake some sense into her head. I wanted to reach out and slap some sense into her head. I wanted to go kick the young man's ass, by the way, he's over 25 and she's not even 20 yet. I know that none of these things will help her. I realize that in order for her to leave him and do better for herself, she's going to have to go thru some more heartache; this young woman has already demonstrated that a little drama isn't enough to make her give up her man. I can't be mad at her for settling, because I once settled. I can't be mad at her for staying with a jerk, because I did the same thing and nobody could tell me any different, I had my mind made up.
There are a lot of reasons women settle for jerks, it is something about that jerk that we didn't get at home, something we think we're missing and he seems to have the answer. We go against our beliefs, our gut feelings and we put up with unnecessary hurt and drama, all in the name of love. It takes some of us a long time to realize how awesome we would be without that jerk, but when we finally do have that realization, life becomes beautiful once again.
A few years ago I was in a horrible relationship, very abusive, mentally, emotionally, sexually and physically. I was also receiving counseling and my counselor kept telling me to stop going back to this guy, but I was ok with settling for his abuse because I thought he provided me with things that I was missing. This guy exhibited every negative thing that could be done to another person in a relationship, yet, somehow I had convinced myself that he was the best that I could do; I bet my old counselor felt the way that I currently feel. I just wanted to grab the girl and shake some sense into her head. I wanted to reach out and slap some sense into her head. I wanted to go kick the young man's ass, by the way, he's over 25 and she's not even 20 yet. I know that none of these things will help her. I realize that in order for her to leave him and do better for herself, she's going to have to go thru some more heartache; this young woman has already demonstrated that a little drama isn't enough to make her give up her man. I can't be mad at her for settling, because I once settled. I can't be mad at her for staying with a jerk, because I did the same thing and nobody could tell me any different, I had my mind made up.
There are a lot of reasons women settle for jerks, it is something about that jerk that we didn't get at home, something we think we're missing and he seems to have the answer. We go against our beliefs, our gut feelings and we put up with unnecessary hurt and drama, all in the name of love. It takes some of us a long time to realize how awesome we would be without that jerk, but when we finally do have that realization, life becomes beautiful once again.
My Faith
I've constantly struggled with my faith in God ever since I could remember. Growing up was crazy and confusing because not everyone was on the same page. My mother did not go to church, not because she didn't believe in God, but because I guess she just enjoyed doing her own damn thing and maybe church would have put a damper on all the fun she liked to have. My father was always in church and whenever we were with him he took us to church, but we lived with our mother soooooo, whenever she wasn't pissed off with him, then he could get us and take us to church. My grandmother was always there for us and she would ALWAYS take us to church, so much so that a lot of times we were the first ones at church. The people in my church were pretty awesome, when I was around them I felt like I was good, like I was doing right by God, but when I was away, I enjoyed that part too, kinda. My home environment was whatever my mother made it and this consisted of parties, alcohol, people getting drunk, people pissing off my mom and then my mom kicking everybody out of her house (we lived in the projects) whenever her anger took over her drunkenness; LOL, when mom was drunk, you better stay on her good side, kids included. This was my life though, at church I was good, at home things were different, hard at times, but still good. I think my struggling really came whenever things at home weren't going right. In church we were taught to pray and do right by God and his word, but then I'd be at home praying and it seemed like nothing was changing and I couldn't understand it. I prayed in the morning, prayed before going to bed (EVERY night) and nothing seemed to change. People around me were doing things, had things I didn't have and I didn't think they prayed as much as me. Back then I even enjoyed reading my bible, it was fun, but after a while I got away from that too. The things I saw as a child really affected me and still does as an adult. I don't trust too many people. I believe in God, but I often wonder why so many people have to suffer. People tell me to get in my word, but why should I trust the word? Who wrote the word? Does it matter which "word" I read? Is one "word" better than another? Where is the consistency? Why are pastors/preachers/ministers unapproachable? Why are there so many titles in the church? Do I even have to go to church?
Monday, February 22, 2016
S/O to my Dad
First allow me to apologize for being lazy, that's the other part of the reason my book has yet to come out - it's draining me, and I've been lazy.
So, I'm shouting out my dad for being awesome, specifically for being awesome when it came to pushing me and my sister to be great. I truly believe that if a parental figure in your life continuously tells you that you'll be this or that, eventually, you will be this or that, if you believe it. My dad was all about education, like literally, he believed that we couldn't go wrong in life if we had an education and we do. My sister has just completed her Masters degree and she'll be graduating in May, while I completed my Masters degree last February and I graduated last May; we both earned our Bachelor degrees from THE Florida State University and we owe that to our God and numerous others, but especially our dad.
Although he pushed education, he didn't push the other things that he was an expert on, MEN, especially due to the fact that he is one. I don't blame my dad for the relationships I chose to be in and remain in, but it would have been helpful if he had been more open with me..........him and my mother both. Instead, I watched him mistreat women and somehow it effected me. My father wasn't abusive, so I don't know how I ended up with an abuser, however my father was a hard-worker, and my ex-abuser was a very hard-worker, and I was able to overlook the obvious red flags, for the few white flags in the background (his hard work, great sex, sexy body and potential professional football career were all white flags for me). I'm sure my father must have thought, "Where did I go wrong with Cierra....?", but dad, you didn't go wrong, you just left out a few things that I learned along the way; it may be that I picked up a few things from my mother, the Bull (more to come about Cathy D. later).
So, I'm shouting out my dad for being awesome, specifically for being awesome when it came to pushing me and my sister to be great. I truly believe that if a parental figure in your life continuously tells you that you'll be this or that, eventually, you will be this or that, if you believe it. My dad was all about education, like literally, he believed that we couldn't go wrong in life if we had an education and we do. My sister has just completed her Masters degree and she'll be graduating in May, while I completed my Masters degree last February and I graduated last May; we both earned our Bachelor degrees from THE Florida State University and we owe that to our God and numerous others, but especially our dad.
Although he pushed education, he didn't push the other things that he was an expert on, MEN, especially due to the fact that he is one. I don't blame my dad for the relationships I chose to be in and remain in, but it would have been helpful if he had been more open with me..........him and my mother both. Instead, I watched him mistreat women and somehow it effected me. My father wasn't abusive, so I don't know how I ended up with an abuser, however my father was a hard-worker, and my ex-abuser was a very hard-worker, and I was able to overlook the obvious red flags, for the few white flags in the background (his hard work, great sex, sexy body and potential professional football career were all white flags for me). I'm sure my father must have thought, "Where did I go wrong with Cierra....?", but dad, you didn't go wrong, you just left out a few things that I learned along the way; it may be that I picked up a few things from my mother, the Bull (more to come about Cathy D. later).
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