My Faith

I've constantly struggled with my faith in God ever since I could remember.  Growing up was crazy and confusing because not everyone was on the same page.  My mother did not go to church, not because she didn't believe in God, but because I guess she just enjoyed doing her own damn thing and maybe church would have put a damper on all the fun she liked to have.  My father was always in church and whenever we were with him he took us to church, but we lived with our mother soooooo, whenever she wasn't pissed off with him, then he could get us and take us to church.  My grandmother was always there for us and she would ALWAYS take us to church, so much so that a lot of times we were the first ones at church.  The people in my church were pretty awesome, when I was around them I felt like I was good, like I was doing right by God, but when I was away, I enjoyed that part too, kinda.  My home environment was whatever my mother made it and this consisted of parties, alcohol, people getting drunk, people pissing off my mom and then my mom kicking everybody out of her house (we lived in the projects) whenever her anger took over her drunkenness; LOL, when mom was drunk, you better stay on her good side, kids included.  This was my life though, at church I was good, at home things were different, hard at times, but still good.  I think my struggling really came whenever things at home weren't going right.  In church we were taught to pray and do right by God and his word, but then I'd be at home praying and it seemed like nothing was changing and I couldn't understand it.  I prayed in the morning, prayed before going to bed (EVERY night) and nothing seemed to change.  People around me were doing things, had things I didn't have and I didn't think they prayed as much as me.  Back then I even enjoyed reading my bible, it was fun, but after a while I got away from that too.  The things I saw as a child really affected me and still does as an adult.  I don't trust too many people.  I believe in God, but I often wonder why so many people have to suffer.  People tell me to get in my word, but why should I trust the word?  Who wrote the word?  Does it matter which "word" I read?  Is one "word" better than another?  Where is the consistency?  Why are pastors/preachers/ministers unapproachable?  Why are there so many titles in the church?  Do I even have to go to church?