Everything has a starting point, but sometimes the starting point is not easily recognized. I wasn't born with low self-esteem, but at some point in my life, it kind of landed in my lap and I have had a time trying to get rid of that monkey. Hahaha! Seriously though, at some point in my childhood, the self-esteem monkey jumped on my back and had a good ride, up until I grew up and started not to give a fuck (I like to say this a lot - forgive me). If I had to pin-point the starting point where low self-esteem found me, I would probably say it was in my own damn house/home/apartment. Yes, that's unfortunate to say, but it was the little things that stuck to me and made me question myself. It was little things that my mother said that made me second guess myself. I've always carried myself a certain way, walked a certain way, spoke a certain way and my mother was notorious for calling me out, but until she called me out I had no issue or concern with whatever it was. Once she told me that I had a long neck, lol, and I do (and I love it), but I began to wonder why my neck was so much longer than other people or kids - then I began to try to shrink or hide my neck (of course that didn't work), but I no longer wanted a longer neck. The neck thing didn't really hurt my feelings, but other things she would later say to me did and I responded in way to defend myself; I began to change myself in order to counter whatever it was that she said. Don't think that I hate my mother, I love her, but she had/has her issues..............I digress.
Back to the starting point, my low self-esteem issues began at home, then I went to school, had issues with classmates who may have been dealing with the same things that I was, and they brought it to school in order to release their frustration - so did I - this only heightened my issues. As the years rolled along, I would encounter more people, more personalities and more problems, but I learned to mask my troubles with sports, friends, school work, all kinds of stuff, anything to keep me occupied. I can remember the first time I had to just be me, vulnerable, short, ugly (I thought this at one point YIKES!), plain, regular......etc, etc..........I had just moved to Tallahassee and I had ZERO friends other than my baby sis, which would have been perfect, yet she had a different class schedule, therefore a different lunch schedule...........so I was online and I hated it (at first), but then people started gravitating towards me and I was like COOL! I didn't do anything extra, anything special, I was just being me, alone and within a few months of living in Tally, I just started not giving a FUCK. Then I graduated high school and went to college, and my "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK" attitude spiraled out of control - LITERALLY! I began not giving a fuck about people's feelings, about family, about whatever and it felt good, I felt GREAT, until another POINT in my life when I met some individuals who also had my way of thinking or something similar and I was like "Whoa!", I wasn't ready and so I had several seats so that I could get my life - I digress........again.
Sighhhhh..............it's a great thing when you can think back to the moments in your life where major changes occurred, and now you have an understanding for who you are, where you come from and why you do the things you do. I find it useful to think back, so that when I move forward, I won't make the same mistake(s) again.
