A Habit

Disclaimer: What you're about to read is MY truth.  Try not to think deeper than the words you will read on this page.  Take everything that you read for it's face value.

I called this post "A Habit" because how I dealt with my relationships in the past all stemmed from the habit of how I dealt with my parents growing up.
I kept taking the lies, upon lies, on top of lies and promises that many of the guys I dealt with were dishing out.  Some men were so good at lying, that they would make me question everything that I thought I knew pertaining to the lie that was up for discussion.  My ex was REALLY good about making promises and not keeping them.  When he would realize that I might be serious about leaving his ass, he turn on the sob story, sometimes even getting on his knees to try and make me believe that he was done playing games and that he was serious about us.  And every time I fell for that crap. LOL, I can laugh about it now, but when I was going thru it, hunny, it was not a laughing matter.
Of course, once I began to work on my book, I started thinking about where I had learned to put up with some of the things that went on in that crazy ass relationship.  Really, after starting talk therapy is when I began to ponder about my upbringing and how some of the things that went on during my youth affected me during my horrible relationships.  I'm almost ashamed to say that my earliest relationships were some of the most negative and unstable relationships that a person could ever have.  I'm referring to the relationships I had with my parents - mom and dad. 
Please know that I love my parents, in fact I have a favorite parent of the two, but those two individuals weren't the most stable, one was worse than the other, but both had issues that were passed down to me in many different ways.  If you know my mom, then you know that she doesn't give a DAMN about what ANYONE has to say about ANYTHING that she does.  I think her weakness is her children, it's 3 of us, but even we can't and don't control what mom does.  As a child, for me, it was very hard dealing with my mother.  My mother was tough and her words could be brutal.  She said some of the most vicious things that you could say to a child, and she could also be physically abusive.  I turned out great, yeah, but from my experiences dealing with her, I think had a lot to do with how I was able to remain in that negative relationship for so long.  I had learned to have a think skin when it mattered.  My mom loved me and when she wasn't angry, she was happy, so I learned to get past her anger because I knew it wouldn't last long.  That was the same stance I took in the relationship with my ex.  His anger wasn't as brutal as my mother's, but his words, actions and the physical abuse was just as bad, maybe even worse.  I learned to deal with it and I made myself believe that it wouldn't last forever and that he needed my help.
Then there is my dad, probably my favorite parent of the 2, but he can also be the most annoying parent of the 2, LOL.  Most times when I speak of him, I'm giving him his props for being so awesome.  He was the one that I did not live with, minus a few short months during his marriage, but he was the one whom teachers would call upon because they knew he could and would get me in line.  My dad always had a job, had a car here and there, but he always had his bicycle and he was there when it counted.  But, he was never there when I wanted him or felt I needed him to be there! Grrrrrr!  His weakness was his women.  My dad was a player and I think that player is synonymous with liar, which he was at times.  That hurts to say that about him, but it's true.  He would call and tell me that he was coming to pick me, but then he would never show, and I would be angry.  However, when he did show up, I would be mad for a little bit, but he would find a way to turn my frown upside down and I would be happy again.  Same thing happened in my relationship(s). I knew dad was a good guy, just like I knew my ex and the other liars I dated were "good" guys, but they all lied and would try to make it up to me by doing something that would make me smile.
I don't think that my parents knew they were hurting me in the ways that they did, I don't think that they did anything intentionally, I don't think that they knew I would suffer from childhood experiences during my young adult years, but I did.  I remember one of my family members told me that just because your daddy is physically around, doesn't mean that he is really there for you.  I can see my dad every day, but if he's not teaching me how to deal with a man, what treatment to accept from a man, how to act with a man, how to know that a man loves you, then it's still like your dad is not really there.