Side Effects of Abuse

The side effects of abuse are real. All this time I thought that something was wrong with me, but the side effects of abuse (emotional, physical, verbal) were having their way with me.  Abuse completely changed who I was and created the Cierra you see today.  I went from...........well I almost don't remember who I was because so much was going on during that time.  I was growing up, maturing as a woman, at the same time I was trying to make a man love me, when I hadn't even taken the time to get to know me. 
I digress...........but anyway, I've been experiencing the side effects all this time and had no idea that they were side effects.  I just thought that I was acting funny.  I didn't want to be around other people, not like how I used to want to be around others.  This happened as a result of me trying to make myself more available to this guy who really didn't care about my availability, as long as he got him what he wanted, when he wanted it.  I made so many changes to my life, because I thought it was the right thing to do.  I was thinking that it would make him appreciate me more.  I stopped doing the things that I enjoyed doing like: going out with my girls, talking to my family, having friends over, getting dressed up, traveling to places.........simple things.  After ending that relationship, I felt lost, trapped even, trapped in my thoughts, worried about if people could see that I was lost.  It was scary and it still is. 
I still struggle from time to time, I know that I like certain things, but that relationship, MAN, it had me messed up! I didn't know what was right or wrong.  Some of you may think that I'm exaggerating, but until you've been thru what I've been thru, just take my word for it - the shit is real.  These days I'm married, so I have a partner who will do whatever I want to do, but sometimes I just like to be alone - a side effect of that nasty relationship.  If I wasn't with him, and because I had pulled myself away from my friends, I tended to be alone.  I can be VERY selfish! - a side effect.  I was all about that guy, everything I did was in an effort to please him, shoot forget about me - that's pretty much what I told myself.  Now, I can't get enough of me, which can be bad considering that I'm married and all, but I thank God for my husband - HE'S THE REAL MVP! Lol - love you baby.
I just wish I could have spared myself the headache and the heartache, but I had to go thru it, to learn, simply because I was eager and stubborn.  ALL, A-L-L of the signs were there, but I had it in my mind that I was going to help him get better. Why TF did I think that O_o? LOL.  Later on, somebody made a comment to me that has stuck with me - "Why are you trying to do for him what his momma couldn't do?" Chile, I was like hush your mouth! LOL.  Funny thing is, his momma was always trying to figure out why I stayed with her son, and all I could ever say was that I love him.  And on that cue she would roll her eyes and get back to what she was doing or change the subject.